Running for Geeks

I’d loved running since I started doing it in 2010, but after my December 2016 marathon, which was miserable, I was blistered, beaten down, and burned out. Now I’m in this weird running purgatory. As of this writing, I’ve run seven times in 2017 and maybe one or two times more than that since the marathon, and most of all that was walking intervals.

I knew it would take several weeks to heal from the physical pounding of such an event, but I hadn’t imagined how long it might take to heal mentally and emotionally. Knowing that it’s not uncommon for a runner to find herself in a bit of a funk and needing a short break or recovery season doesn’t make it easier to deal with.

But instead of worrying over it, I’ve spent the down time lifting weights, developing a personal yoga practice, walking more, fighting zombies, and hatching Pokémon. The Pokémon Go and Zombies, Run! apps got me through the most mind-numbing miles or marathon training, and I have faith that they will help me find the drive to run many more.

Competition is a great motivator, and sure, you can invite friends or coworkers to challenges like logging the most steps per day on FitBit, but that doesn’t interest me these days. I need more creative and interactive fitness-driven games.

So I find myself absorbed in collecting a virtual zoo. In addition to spawning wild monsters, the PoGo app spontaneously distributes eggs to hatch into Pokémon, achieved by walking or slowly running 2K, 5K, or 10K, depending on the egg, up to nine eggs at a time.

Zombies, Run! is an interactive, narrative audio game about YOU saving the world from zombies, mad scientists, lions, and rogues all while collecting supplies to expand, upgrade, and protect your virtual home base. The writing is absolutely brilliant, and the cast of characters is delightfully diverse, including many women and queers, with those identities being merely incidental not integral to the plot itself. Each time, I can barely wait for my next mission; the engaging story always has me wishing I could run more miles or minutes to find out what happens next.

Combining North Texas’ bizarrely beautiful spring weather of late, that Team Valor “gotta hatch ‘em all!” attitude, and the encroaching apocalypse, I’ll find the joy of running again soon enough.

New Ambassadorship — Bullet Dodged

I got started running when I joined a women’s walking club in early 2010. One ultra marathoner in the group tried to talk us into signing up for a 10k that summer. We peer-pressured one another into all registering and started running to prepare for that race. And we all did it.

I’ve been hooked (off and on) ever since.

Edited on March 22 to add: A much later confirmation e-mail indicated ambassadors are expected to re-share Run4Life posts twice a week, submit a blog post monthly, and participate in a running event monthly (and would receive a t-shirt and maybe some other miscellaneous branded gear). Which seems excessive. And is expensive.

For comparison:

• The year-long ENELL ambassador program provided two sports bras, a tech t-shirt, a long-sleeve tech shirt, and a cool tote; paid for three race registrations; and required that I write about those three events and tag/reshare ENELL on social media, though no set number.
• Moosejaw sent a tech t-shirt, bumper sticker, flag, can koozie, and discount codes in exchange for posting photos of myself wearing the shirt and holding the flag at races and tagging them, no set number.
• BondiBand requested a 3-month commitment, social media tags, and monthly blog or video posts and sent a pair of compression socks to review (which weren't great) and paid a commission on all sales made via my personal discount code.

Since Run4Life's ambassador program was new, I asked in the ambassadors Facebook group what inspired the requirements for ambassadors and received a  response about someone's illness inspiring the founders to share/promote their love of running. I said, "Thanks, I find it interesting that the social media and racing requirements are more than the other three brand ambassadorships I've completed ... combined." And I was deleted from the group without a word for two days until I reached out to ask about it.

Chat transcript:

Me (Moniqa): Hi, Jeff. I don't know if Facebook is being glitch or what, but I'm having trouble finding the ambassadors' group. Do you have a link for it? Thanks.

Jeff: Moniqe, We decided that our group was not a fit with you.

Me: And is there a reason you chose not to discuss that with me or even inform me of this decision?

Jeff: I just informed you.

Me: Yes, after I sought you out. That is very unprofessional behavior. Please remove my content from the Run4Life site/blog.

Though I'm irritated with this behavior, I'm ultimately glad to have dodged the bullet of providing so much free labor and content for a brand that definitely doesn't offer the "encouragement," "guidance," and "community" it claims on its banner.

2016 Races I Ran

For posterity, I'm going to make a blog post for each year listing all the races I've completed. I meant to post this at the end of last year but forgot until now. It's still interesting to see the variations in my running/racing interest and motivation from year to year.

Here is 2016: 

Date	Name	Type	Distance
1-31-16	Too Cold to Hold	road	10k
2-06-16	Dash for Beads	road	5k
3-13-16	St. Pat's Tri	triathlon	sprint
3-19-16	Dash Down Greenville	road	5k
4-10-16	Zombies, Run!	virtual race	10k
4-12-16	Spring Duathlon	virtual race	10k/5k run/bike
4-17-16	Zombies, Run!	virtual race	5k
4-30-16	Run for Human Rights	road	5k
5-06-16	Super Mom	virtual	5k
5-08-16	JCC Bagel Run	road	10k
5-19-16	Kickoff	road	5k
5-22-16	Texasman Triathlon	triathlon	Olympic
6-25-16	Meaningful Miles	road	10k
8-13-16	Cobra Brew	road	5k
8-14-16	Hottest Half /10k	road	10k
9-25-16	Plano Balloon Festival	road	half marathon
10-23-16	Tough Mudder	obstacle	10-12 mi
10-29-16	Shannon Brewing Monster	road	5k
11-13-16	Trinity River Run	trail	10k
12-11-16	BMW Dallas Marathon	road	marathon

That’s 20 total.

2010-12 Races I Ran
2013 Races I Ran 
2014 Races I Ran
2015 Races I Ran 

Losing My Balance

I have run three times in the month that’s passed since finishing my December 10 marathon. I’ve done a bit of yoga and parkour as well and more walking than usual, but it’s still a marked difference from my previous activity level.

I believe strongly in choosing enjoyable movement to benefit your mind and body, not as punishment or a chore.

Yet I’ve been struggling not to struggle with anxiety regarding the change as it relates to generally recommended amounts of exercise, the amounts I’ve relied upon to manage my stress and mental health, and the amount of weight-bearing exercise I need to specifically counteract the detrimental effects my birth control has on my bones.

Race training was difficult and riddled with aches and pains, minor injuries, and illness. The race itself was pretty awful. I knew I would need a break from running for my emotional and mental health, but I wasn’t sure how I wanted to fill that hole to maintain my physical and mental health, or if I even wanted to fill it. I’d missed spending hours sitting and making arts and crafts, and I was so SO tired for so long.

I met my goal of finishing my first marathon, but the process of getting there wrecked the balance of exercise in my life.

I no longer want to train or race. I don’t want to keep hurting from the sheer volume of pounding the pavement. And I don’t know how to find joy in running again.

I’m letting my pool membership lapse because I hate having to drive to another city to swim laps at 5 AM in order to get a lane and get back before morning rush hour. I really want a membership for the rec center across the street from my house, but I cannot stand the idea of tolerating January-resolution crowds. I can and do use the fitness center at my office, but it has limited hours and I have to split the work day to get equipment and space to myself.

I enjoy yoga and weightlifting and walking and hiking, but will these be enough for my bones and my brain?

I have a strong interest in parkour and hip-hop dance classes, but the evening schedules are hard for me to attend, and I had to cancel last night's parkour lesson because of a migraine (which is likely to happen again).

I hadn't run in two weeks but woke today to a glorious 60-degree morning and laced up my sneakers to go hatch some Pokémon. I ran more today than I had the last two times I tried (both were shockingly challenging and painful and quickly turned into very long walks), and it felt really good. I don't think it necessarily marks a significant transition, but it is one good run, one good day. And that ain't nothin'.

I'm working hard to trust my brain and my body to do what they need to do for now.

And I'm meeting each day one at a time, adopting a bellydance teacher-friend's classroom rules as a personal mantra:

This body. This day.

A good day for a run. #runfie #fitfeminist #healthyliving #gottahatchemall #teamvalor #BAWG #feministselfie

A photo posted by Moniqa Aylin (@fierymon) on Jan 11, 2017 at 6:38am PST

Sometimes running rocks

After crashing and burning for the last long run, my coach gave me a 7-mile-long “Tempo Mile Repeats” workout, commenting “This workout is designed to be HARD. I’m not gonna sugar coat this shit for you. It’s not pleasant.” (“Tempo” means faster than comfortable. “Mile repeats” is exactly what it sounds like.)

So I got up about 5 a.m., braced myself for the weather, and went to work out. After my warmup, I had five one-mile repeats with a short rest between each. My assigned goal was 11:30-11:45 for each.


I started the first still feeling sluggish and sleepy. I checked my timer after the first and second laps on the quarter-mile track and was certain I couldn't possibly make the time. But I finished the first mile in 11:22. And that was my slowest one of the day.

As it turns out, I may not be very good at pacing, but I really benefitted from the 38-40°F weather that morning. My second and third repeats were each faster than the previous, the fourth the same as the third, and I finished the fifth in 10:33! I wasn’t exactly killing myself to do it, either, but going by similar perceived effort each time (except for the final 200 m), and the pacing just fell out like that.

Physically, I felt pretty good when I finished and throughout the day. Mentally, seeing those numbers was a HUGE boost for me after the previous workouts’ emotional toll. I definitely needed that.

I had a shorter run later that week and then a 7-mile “long” run over the weekend, which felt like a breeze.

I’m still freaking out about the impending marathon, but having some good workouts in the meantime at least helps my mood.

Sometimes things REALLY suck

[CN: depression]

I had thought my 18-mile run would be the last long one before my marathon since it was three weeks out, but my coach gave me a 20-miler for two weeks out.

I was not thrilled about this because I was on vacation in California, but I spent a lot of time in advance on Google maps trying to plot my route through the city. When I arrived, however, I learned that California is freaking mountainous. Who knew?

So I threw out my map and planned to run six dull laps around the lake.

I went to bed at a reasonable hour and woke up the next day . . . with a terrible stomachache and still felt dreadfully sleepy. So I dozed another hour, felt a little better, and got dressed to go despite a deep feeling of dread and "I-don't-wannas"  . . .

And then I found tears streaming down my face for no reason at all for like ten minutes straight before I even left. Wtf? It was a beautiful day; I couldn't have asked for better running weather.

I dragged my butt out the door, spent another five minutes just trying to set up my freaking interval timer and GPS tracker, and set off downhill a half mile to the lake. The "I-don't-wannas" persisted, and though I can usually shake it off and push through, I really struggled to make myself run during the designated intervals and even stopped to sit several times (which I never do) to try and get it together.

After an unbelievable mental struggle through the first lap, I cried through the entirety of the second, stopped many more times and longer, and was too far gone to reliably assess whether the pain in my hip and butt was serious enough to stop. I tried to start a third lap but knew there was no way I'd finish it without walking the entire thing, so I turned around to walk back to the apartment. Still crying for no fucking reason at all PLUS feeling like a complete failure PLUS looking forward to telling my coach I'm a complete failure PLUS suppressing all sorts of terrified "how am I ever gonna finish my race—what if I DON'T finish my race?!" thoughts.

I'd managed only a piddly 8.33 miles out of TWENTY in two and a half hours, whereas those 8 should have taken less than two hours.

Seriously.
Crying for no GD reason.
Can't run another step, and I know it's not physical.
WTF?
Is my depression doing this?

In recent weeks, I've had a few bouts of the uncontrollable urge to cry for no reason. Last year it was constant for weeks and meant I needed to up my dose of bupropion. Running has usually balanced my emotions and I have never before had to face this while running.

I felt a little better after showering and dressing, mostly because I wasn't running anymore. But this was a seriously important training session, and there was no way to try to redo it in time for the race.

The next day I ran a similarly slow 4 miles instead of my scheduled 2, and I still felt crummy and weepy, though less so than the previous day.

As miserable and difficult as the summer slog had been, at least my fucking brain wasn't malfunctioning. Even though I'd had some crummy runs, they were just that and nothing more: no additional weight or emotions attached to or triggered by them.

There's not a happy or conclusive ending to this post except that my hosts totally understood and offered me hugs, didn't mind when I said "not right now," and didn't push me to talk more about it when I withdrew.

My coach was very understanding, which I pretty much expected, but depression brain doesn't understand anything more nuanced than "OMG, I have to tell her I'M A FAILURE."*

However, the week improved markedly, and I'll write more about that next time.

*Aside: wicked déjà vu just now

Birthday Racing

I registered for the Cobra Brewing 5k this year because I enjoyed last year's vibe and post-race porter so much. I was really lucky the weather shifted this weekend, giving us a slightly cooler, though very humid, Saturday morning. It really sucked that they decided to start the race as late as 9:30 a.m., but I knew to expect the ugly two-loop course. What I didn't expect was the brewery not offering their porter to race participants, so I went home beer-less and thoroughly disappointed. I definitely won't be registering for that one again. The race photos kinda sucked, too. I might just dress up again and stage my own shoot.

But I ran an awesome 38:03, whereas I've mostly been running 14:30-miles on all my shorter summer runs, and I looked great as Wonder Woman.

Sunday being my birthday, I signed up for the Hottest Half and 10k and ran the 10k. The weather was quite a bit cooler and actually pleasant. The event ran out of race shirts even near my size before I arrived, so I have YET ANOTHER garbage race shirt for which I paid just as much as anyone else and won't get to wear. The course also sucked and I won't be doing this race again either. It was predominantly concrete with a smattering of asphalt and no small bit of painful, rocky, trail. My feet were bruised and cramping because of it.

On the bright side, my costume was inexpensive and far more comfortable than I expected, and I got lots of compliments. I asked a volunteer to write "BDAY" on the back of one of my calves and "BIG 30" on the other, so I got lots of birthday wishes, too. The course had LOTS of support and water stations. I felt strong and really enjoyed myself, even after racing the day before, and I finished with a 13:36 average per-mile pace, WAY better than all my 14-16 training runs.

The pro pics were great and I got a free one, too, as well as a badass medal with my birthday on it. The venue, Community Beer, offered a rich Russian imperial stout called Legion, which went beautifully with my garb and more than made up for the previous day's disappointment.

Travel Modifications

Marathon training means planning several “shorter” runs during the week and one long run on the weekend, which makes it REALLY hard to train on top of weekend travel and/or socializing. I’ve been pretty good at getting my weekend miles in regardless; I love running in new places, so that definitely helps when I’m out of town.

This weekend I spent Saturday in New Braunfels floating the Comal River with friends, which seems like a relaxing way to spend the day, but I was just EXHAUSTED when I woke Sunday and had to scrap my long run entirely. I knew I couldn’t run and still have the energy to safely drive home 4 hours alone.

I was actually pretty disappointed to skip the run, even though I’d been dreading the hills in San Marcos. After I packed up, I went to the trailhead near our lodging anyway to check out the Spring Lake Nature Preserve where I’d been planning to run.

It was fantastic! At first I was sad to have missed out on running such lovely, shaded dirt trails, but when two deer ran across my path, I realized that hiking it was a better choice. Running would require keeping my eyes glued to the ground to avoid tripping over rocks, but hiking gave me the chance to see so much more and take pictures. I saw birds and butterflies and wildflowers and even an ocelot!

Morning #naturewalk #hike #flowers #texaswildflowers #naturalbeauty

A photo posted by Moniqa Aylin (@fierymon) on Jul 10, 2016 at 6:54pm PDT

There was no cell phone reception and no other people in the area for nearly an hour. The morning was humid and warm but not unpleasant until just before I left. As I hiked back to the trail head, I saw a deer across a clearing in the trees, and we stared at one another for several long moments.

After an awful week of news, my time spent solitary in the quiet magic of nature was deeply cathartic.

This early in training, I can always run another day.

June Journaling 10

I found a list of daily prompts for journaling in June and thought I'd give it a shot.

10. A new thing to try:

You know, I've been working here 4.5 years with an Ethiopian restaurant just down the street that I've been meaning to try. Maybe I should put it on my calendar and go try Ethiopian food.

I'm also trying to figure out how to get involved with Back on My Feet, a charity that uses running to empower people and help them find work and housing. The thing is that they run in the mornings and I would not have time to go home to shower before work, so I need a membership to the office fitness center, which I've wanted since it opened a year ago. I just need to fit it into my budget.

Speed & Progress

Two years ago I first heard about and signed up for the Bagel Run 10k, hosted by the local Jewish Community Center, which serves a bagel buffet after the run. It was a warm, humid day on a challenging hilly course. Much to my surprise, though, my 1:18:23 finish netted me 3rd place in my age group! It was the first time I ever medaled. That's the neat thing about small local races.

Last year, the event was canceled due to tornadoes in the area.

This year, I brought my mom to cheer me from the sidelines, and I finished 5 minutes faster than at the 2014 event. And I had a 6-minute negative split from the first lap of the 5k course to the second: 39:36 and 33:47!

AND this 1:13:24 was much faster than my recent training, during which I had been logging 1:03-1:04 5 milers and a 1:21:40 on a flat 10k April 10!

But I came in 3rd to last out of everyone. Small local races are funny that way.

Now I’m thinking about signing up for The Hottest Half since it takes place on my birthday and has a cool medal with my birthday on it, and I’ll be turning 30, which is special. But running in August in Texas is THE WORST. But it will motivate me to train through summer and prepare for the Plano Balloon Festival Half happening 6 weeks later.

There will be no way to keep cool at that event, so I need to try to get fast if I’m going to get through it. I already knew I needed to work on getting fast for the December marathon, because I cannot stomach the thought of spending more than 5 hours on the course. So maybe registering for my birthday will give me the necessary push to focus on speed work. Or maybe I’ll get heat stroke and have a terrible birthday.

Lots of stuff for me to think about. What do you think?

User Error

Monday evening I went out to run a 5k, dutifully warmed up, and then started my tracking app. I pushed myself but felt slow and was surprised at how difficult the whole effort felt. I was displeased with my finishing time and figured I must have walked more than I thought and been slowed down by the humidity. Not every run can be great, so I let it go.

Today I realized what was going on. I'd left my app settings to measure distance based on a constant speed of 16:40 min/mile (which I use for walking around my office sometimes) instead of GPS tracking and ended up running a 4.25-mile "5k." Counting warm-up and cool down, I did 4.9 miles total.

That would explain why it took me nearly an hour. Good to know. And I'll not make that mistake again.

2015 Races I Ran

For posterity, I'm going to make a blog post for each year listing all the races I've completed. I really only started writing them down in one place in 2013, so it will be a challenge to go back and figure out what the heck I did from 2010-2012.

Here is 2015:
 

Date	Name	Type	Distance
1-04-15	LifeTime Tri	indoor	1 hr tri
1-10-15	Bold in the Cold	road	15k
1-31-15	Big D Climb	stairs	53 stories
2-14-15	Dash for the Beads	road	5k
3-29-15	Historic McKinney Kiwanis	sprint tri	Distance
4-14-15	Five55 Series*	aquathlon	500m + 5k
4-19-15	Caveman Tri**	sprint tri	Distance
5-10-15	JCC Bagel Run***	road	10k
5-16-15	Bubble Run	fun run	5k
5-17-15	Grand Tri Fest****	sprint tri	Distance
8-08-15	Cobra Brew	road	5k
9-07-15	Blackland Tri	sprint tri	Distance
9-26-15	Jailbreak	obstacle/mud	5k
9-27-15	Stonebridge Tri	sprint tri	Distance
11-1-15	LLS Light the Night	charity walk	5k
11-14-15	Trinity River Run	road	5k
11-26-15	Cold Turkey (SLC)	road	5k
12-6-15	Ugly Sweater Run (NE)	road	5k

That's 14 events completed!

Missed due to *injury and **illness
***Canceled due to tornadoes
****Canceled due to flooding
All within a month. No refunds, no transfers, no fun.


2010-12 Races I Ran

2013 Races I Ran 
2014 Races I Ran
...
2016 Races I Ran