Biphobia in Practice

On September 1, I was getting groceries with my best friend in Omaha, Nebraska.

So no shit there we are, standing in the checkout line, and a lady behind us sees two plushies I'm about to purchase.

L: Oh! It's so cute! Where did you find it?
M: Over there; they have lots of them!
L: Wow! It's Wonder Woman, right?
M: Yes. And this is a rainbow hedgehog.
L: Adorable.
M: It was on sale!
L: Oh, and what is that tattoo behind your ear?
M: Oh, that's a rainbow. I got it last summer when the Supreme Court upheld marriage equality.
L: *face changes, very slowly, from affable interest to slight horror, to slightly off-put might-have-gas-ness and she suddenly becomes very interested in her groceries and completely mute*

As we're exiting the store:

Bff: . . . So did she just straight up stop talking as soon as you explained your tattoo?
M: Yep. That's exactly what happened.
Bff: Woooooow.

(Credit to best friend for the retelling)

Way to live down to my expectations of the Midwest, Omaha. This exchange make me even happier to miss the family reunion in the area that weekend. I'd originally booked the trip to spend a few days with best friend and go to the extended family reunion, but as more of my immediate family canceled and it looked like I'd be visiting a bunch of strangers (about whom I know nothing except that they're Christian white people from the Midwest, and my only interaction with them was when one found his way to my Facebook page to make transphobic comments about Caitlyn Jenner), I decided to spend the whole trip with best friend instead.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This week a friend invited me to an event hosted by the Gay and Lesbian Alliance, but I see there's no B in "GALA." Bisexual people face negativity and exclusion not only from heterosexuals but also from homosexuals as well. 

Yesterday an article made its way around Facebook discussing a recent survey that found half of Americans would not date a bisexual person. The comments section, unsurprisingly, is a hot mess of biphobia masquerading as Logic™.

Close friends have even said they would never date/trust a bisexual because a bisexual person in their past was untrustworthy. Seriously, though, how many millions of relationships between different-gender people have ended the same way? If I let the fact that people in my past relationships were often dishonest and hurtful influence my decisions that same way, I would never date a straight man again.

September 23 is Bisexual Visibility Day. Be aware that bisexuals face some of the highest rates of poverty, mental illness, drug use, suicide, self-harm, assault, and rape compared to both their straight AND gay peers.

• In a 2009 survey, bisexuals were tolerated only slightly more than intravenous drug users in a survey of self-identifying heterosexuals.
• Data from Australia shows that both men and women who are bisexual have the highest percentages of suicide attempts.
• Most bisexuals won’t tell someone about their sexual orientation until the age of 20.
• Nearly half of all bisexual households have a total family income that is less than $30k.
• Research shows that bisexual people are six times more likely than gay men and lesbians to hide their sexual orientation.

"While 20% of bisexuals report experiencing a negative employment decision based on their sexuality, almost 60% of bisexual people report hearing anti-bisexual jokes and comments on the job.

"Bisexual people experience higher rates of sexual and intimate partner violence than gay, lesbian, and straight people. Bisexual women experience significantly higher rates of violence both overall and by significant others, compared to lesbian and straight women: 46% of bisexual women have experienced rape, compared to 13% and 17% of lesbian and straight women, respectively. Sixty-one percent of bisexual women have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner, compared to 43% and 35% of lesbian and straight women respectively. More than half of bisexual women who experienced violence by an intimate partner reported that they had missed a day of work or school, feared for their safety, or experience another negative impact. Bisexual men also report higher rates of sexual violence; nearly half of bisexual men (47%) report experiencing sexual violence other than rape in their lifetime."

Understand that erasure is not privilege.
Erasure is not privilege.

"It means coming out over and over and over and over again…sometimes to the same person. It means I get dragged back into the closet every damn day. It hurts every time, but today in light of this already bleeding wound, biphobia and erasure is excruciating.

"It means I feel alone a lot."

My best friend (at the time) recoiled in horror when I came out to her.
So I didn't come out for another 10 years.

Bisexuals aren't confused. They aren't more likely to cheat. Not "everybody's a little bit gay." It isn't it a joke.

For us, it's literally life and death.

"According to the American Journal of Public Health, among women, bisexual women report the highest prevalence of post-traumatic stress disorder (of PTSD) (26.6% versus 6.6% of straight women), with high prevalence of PTSD setting the stage for poorer health throughout adulthood. Bisexuals have higher suicidality rates: one study found bisexuals were four times more likely and lesbian and gay adults two times more likely to report attempted suicide than straight adults."

September 23 is Celebrate Bisexuality Day.

Resources

https://thinkprogress.org/new-studies-illuminate-the-unique-experiences-of-bisexual-men-and-women-fd36d26c18cd#.tolv0a1m4
http://healthresearchfunding.org/24-uncommon-bisexuality-statistics/

http://www.lgbtmap.org/file/understanding-issues-facing-bisexual-americans.pdf

Is blatant online sexism ever surprising?

CN: ableism, sexism

My coworker was just telling me about how she commented on an online article from The Observer about poor voter turnout. She commented to describe how she and four other coworkers, very intelligent, college-educated adults who work with computers and the Internet daily, struggled to find their polling places, coming up short after dedicated googling efforts until one person found a direct link to share around the office. She said how surprised she is at how difficult it is to vote in Texas since she moved from New York, where they mail out detailed voting packets with sample ballots including the items you will be voting on and directly listing your polling place. About a dozen other people responded with similar stories and anecdotes about obstacles to voting in Texas.

One commenter singled her out and tagged her to say 'Voting is literally the easiest thing you can do. If you're too stupid to vote, how do you even pay your taxes?' She couldn't understand why that person singled her out among so many similar commenters. I asked her if any of the other commenters were men.

Can you guess the answer?

She paused a moment in contemplation before saying, "Yeah, actually. They were ALL men!" That's why you were singled out, I told her. "Oh my gosh! I hadn't even thought of that!" she exclaimed.

It's as if this nonsense is so normalized as to go unnoticed by most.

Positive: She has no desire to get into a debate with that jerk, isn't especially bothered by the interaction, and received several private messages of vague support telling her to just ignore him.

No public responses to that effect, though. We really need male allies to call out this shit publicly.

‪#‎everydaysexism ‪#‎cantmakethisshitup ‪#‎disenfranchisement

Fueled By Anger

In response to a private message that seemed somewhat concern-trolling and presumptuous from a generally well-meaning friend:

I’m fueled by a lot of anger at having spent most of my life swallowing the message that I'd have to spend the rest of my life battling my weight in order to be happy, healthy, wealthy, or loved, and so much anger that so many others continue to believe this. I’m really glad to hear that you think I’m preaching to the choir, but I receive enough other feedback to indicate the contrary. There are still men who prove the point of these articles when they comment on them.

Beyond just posting links on my own page and seemingly yelling a lot, I frequently engage in discussion in private groups about weight, health, and beauty with women who haven’t heard it yet and are grateful when they do. (And am also contributing a chapter to an anthology of perspectives on the fat acceptance movement.)

Personally, I’m bored to death of being told I’m physically attractive, especially by men who are often clearly expecting my gratitude for their thinking so. (This is not actually directed at you.) I know I’m conventionally attractive; it’s boring. I didn’t earn it and don’t feel complimented. I don’t want to settle for reaping the benefits of my privilege without a though and I don’t want a world in which women of different sizes, abilities, colors, etc., have to accept that bigotry either.

I can silently work to accept that I will never be a "normal" or a "healthy" weight according to the "experts." Or I can teach and remind everyone that BMI is not an indicator of health and should not be used to make policy, and I can influence the attitudes and opinions around me and ultimately convert everyone I know to the "Yay fitness!" party and not have to hear about diets and weight loss and body shame all around.

I didn’t always know these things or feel this way; I came to them by reading and learning, and others will, too.

Social Justice Hat is Heavy

I don't have a thick skin, a particularly strong mean streak, or the energy to sustain my righteous anger for very long. I'm just a soft and squishy gal. So yeah, trolls get me down. What I do have is a frustratingly strong sense of social justice and an overabundance of privilege, and lingering guilt tendencies from my Catholic upbringing. So I can't stop caring, can't take off the social justice hat, can't unsee the inequity, can't stand for bigotry or let it pass unchallenged even if calling out friends and strangers causes me more trouble personally than pretending not to care.

Some people don't own a TV and don't follow the news, preferring to live a life of blissful ignorance. I can't stand to be ignorant; I studied journalism at uni and I thirst for knowledge. Sometimes I avoid following a few stories--the Jodie Arias case and the Cleveland kidnappings, for example--because they're too dark and there is nothing I can do about them, nothing useful I can say about them, and the knowledge is more than I can handle among all the other tragedies and daily offal in the world.

But it's tiring. I can step away from the Internet or TV for a few hours, but I can't back down or let myself be silenced. Because the world is a hostile place, and one comment among the bilious hate can plant a seed into a closed mind or be a ray of hope for the others who wouldn't speak out. It's not always about the original post, more often about the hundreds of others who will read the comments below it, searching for a voice of reason, a word of compassion, or of indignation when needed.

I'm irked today because there's a forum thread devoted to discussion about why there are so few women in Amtgard (a national organization for medieval combat recreation), and several (usually lurker) women wrote of their experiences with gender-based harassment being a common problem, myself included. Subsequent comments told us it's our fault for putting up with it and for being women and for being attractive, we should appreciate the attention, GTFO if we have a problem with it, and calling me unattractive and therefore lying about my experiences. I think my misogynist tropes BINGO card is full, I seriously cannot make this shit up. *smh* And would-be male allies are silent because they're admittedly loath to be accused of white knighting. I wish I could say I am surprised at the direction the discussion took, but I never had that much faith in any significant number of members being interested in addressing the problem and changing the culture.

I've run out of sanity points to read or respond to the thread further today, though I worry what will happen in my absence. What matters is that most of my local chapter is pretty chill most of the time. In the real world, I can keep showing up, keep playing, keep existing, keep hanging out with people who treat women like full humans, and avoid the rest. Because I feel like my extra X chromosome keeps getting in the way of my being heard, all I effectively can do is avoid shitty people.

*And I am pretty hot, fuck you very much.