Answering Queries: My Spouse is Bisexual?

I put some thought into recent responses on Quora and figured I'd share them here, too, since I clearly need to work on writing more consistently.

What should I do that I've discovered my husband is a bisexual?

If he has told you he is bisexual, then support him and thank him for trusting you with that information. It can be hard to come out to friends and loved ones because there is so much erasure of bisexuality in our culture as well as negative stereotypes and bi-phobia from both heterosexual AND homosexual peers.

Nothing has actually changed except that he has revealed a private part of himself to you. Maybe ask him if he feels a desire to act on those feelings and discuss whether or how you two want to address that.

If he has not told you, then he is not ready to, and it is not for you to “out” him.

Despite common misconceptions, bisexual people are no more or less likely to break relationship agreements than, say, a person who finds both blondes and brunettes attractive.

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Coming out

Yesterday (April 1) a lot of people had a laugh at pretending to come out of the closet and have since had the privilege not to give it another thought. I'm not laughing. My identity is not a joke or a punchline.

Since today has a slightly lower risk of ridicule and derision, I decided to publicly come out as bisexual on Facebook. I wanted to do it yesterday when I read about the Michigan woman who married her partner and was beaten by hateful homophobes because it scared me so very much. That isn't something people should have to be afraid of, and fewer would if more of us spoke up.

Many of my friends already knew, many didn't, and many probably won't see the post and still won't know. I typically have remarkably bad coming out experiences, so I don't know if I'll do it again.

I've known for over a decade, and it wasn't the fear of attack or judgment by strangers that kept me silent but all the thoughtless things said by friends and family in that time that hurt and made me afraid.

When I was 17 or 18, I told my very best friend. She recoiled in disgust and firmly asserted that she didn't feel that way about me. What the hell? I was hurt that she would be so repulsed by the thought, though I certainly hadn't even hinted at an interest in her and never found her attractive. Feeling dismayed, I never brought it up again.

I don't talk much about my relationships to my family, and my stepmother used to suggest I should be a lesbian so she could be the cool mom in the neighborhood, at which I internally groaned and silently rolled my eyes. I decided then and there to never give her the satisfaction. But over the years I've grown so very tired of her attitude and judgmental nature.

Over this past holiday visit, apropos of nothing whatsoever, she went on and on about how she could never be a lesbian because she hates the smell of women. I mildly suggested there are men she hates the smell of and there are women whose smell she never notices, but she was adamant that all women smell disgusting and she could never be a "rug-muncher," as if it were something so universally distasteful. I dropped it because she has little interest in the logic of confirmation bias and seemed to really get a kick out of going on about it.

Now, after coming out online, she tells me I should have called to tell her because I have nothing to worry about and she couldn't care less about my orientation. And she always wanted to have a bisexual child. Seriously, how on earth does she manage to make my coming out about her?

Coming out to my dear sister as polyamorous some years back was more horrific than I could have imagined, and our relationship suffered for a long time after. She's the one person in the family that I would have counted on to accept me, and after that I decided I never wanted to come out of any closets again as far as family are concerned.

But I'm tired of fear and complacency, discomfort and policing my own words. What kind of ally or activist am I if I'm content to rest on straight-passing privileges? What kind of partner could I possibly be?

So far, those who've responded have been very supportive. Though I don't quite understand why I'd be offered "Congratulations!" on coming out. "I'm bi" feels a lot like telling someone that my favorite color is purple (or green, depending on the day). I don't like that people should have to come out at all, but I hope my doing so can make it easier and safer for others as well in the future.

A Post on Privilege and Coming Out

When an acquaintance admitted to being very mainstream, part of the dominant Christian culture, and concerned about making others uncomfortable with her ignorance, a few of us chimed in to thank her and offer perspective and suggestions. Here are mine.

Some of the issues that are integral to who we are but that we feel we have to hide are sexual orientations, gender queerness, alternative romantic and sexual relationships, religious/spiritual beliefs and lack thereof, social and political beliefs and activism, and even our passionate support of everyone else in these categories.

Lead your questions with "May I ask ... ?" in a gentle tone. It's very respectful, and I, for one, respond very positively to it—eager to inform and comfortable with declining if I don't want to discuss it in that moment. If someone is brave enough to open up to you, understand that they may or may not feel up to giving you the full alt-lifestyle 101 lecture, and that you are not entitled to be educated by them. There are hundreds of blogs and articles and books about it; ask for reading recommendations if you want to learn more.*

We censor ourselves in front of our family, our coworkers, and new people we meet, ever wary of the climate in any group. Some of us have come out to people who we expected to love us unconditionally and received some traumatic fucking backlash because of their selfishness and close-mindedness. And it's scarier still to imagine how acquaintances and strangers might react.

I'm a very privileged, educated, intelligent, middle-class, cis-presenting, hetero-presenting, conventionally attractive, slim, and able-bodied white woman living in a safe neighborhood. What could I possibly have to complain about?

• But I am terrified to talk about my relationships at work or family gatherings. My family doesn't know that I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years; they don't know about him at all. My coworkers know but not why we can't move in together or marry.
  
• I'm afraid in most spaces to share HAES concepts, because dieting is so firmly entrenched in our cultural narrative and I don't like it when people think me daft for espousing such ideas, no matter how much science backs me up. Or worse, many think me ignorant of reality and my own weight discredits me.
  
• I'm warming to the idea of coming out as atheist, at least in friendly spaces where the issue comes up, but I still kept fearfully silent at a Meetup event this week with an enthusiastic believer.

I admire those out there with the bravery to live fully open, and I try to be kind to myself and refrain from berating myself for not doing the same. I've discussed it with my boyfriend, and we're on the same page of not wanting to spark anger, backlash, and disappointment directed at us; we spend enough energy coping with life's difficulties. I choose my battles and closets carefully, and I still spend a large chunk of my time stressed out, anxious, worried, depressed, and sleeping poorly.

I'm not sure I'll ever feel safe enough to come out of all these closets, but I do think someday I will be strong enough.



*She did, and I led off with Skepchick and Queereka because they're very intersectional. Another friend recommended The Friendly Atheist. What resources would you suggest?