Is blatant online sexism ever surprising?

CN: ableism, sexism

My coworker was just telling me about how she commented on an online article from The Observer about poor voter turnout. She commented to describe how she and four other coworkers, very intelligent, college-educated adults who work with computers and the Internet daily, struggled to find their polling places, coming up short after dedicated googling efforts until one person found a direct link to share around the office. She said how surprised she is at how difficult it is to vote in Texas since she moved from New York, where they mail out detailed voting packets with sample ballots including the items you will be voting on and directly listing your polling place. About a dozen other people responded with similar stories and anecdotes about obstacles to voting in Texas.

One commenter singled her out and tagged her to say 'Voting is literally the easiest thing you can do. If you're too stupid to vote, how do you even pay your taxes?' She couldn't understand why that person singled her out among so many similar commenters. I asked her if any of the other commenters were men.

Can you guess the answer?

She paused a moment in contemplation before saying, "Yeah, actually. They were ALL men!" That's why you were singled out, I told her. "Oh my gosh! I hadn't even thought of that!" she exclaimed.

It's as if this nonsense is so normalized as to go unnoticed by most.

Positive: She has no desire to get into a debate with that jerk, isn't especially bothered by the interaction, and received several private messages of vague support telling her to just ignore him.

No public responses to that effect, though. We really need male allies to call out this shit publicly.

‪#‎everydaysexism ‪#‎cantmakethisshitup ‪#‎disenfranchisement

On misandry and sexism

Other writers have done a better job of explaining misandry than I can. Here's one particular piece I highly recommend.

 "No, I don't hate men. It would, however, be fair to say that I don't easily trust them."

 "There are the jokes about women, about wives, about mothers, about raising daughters, about female bosses. They are told in my presence by men who are meant to care about me, just to get a rise out of me, as though I am meant to find funny a reminder of my second-class status. I am meant to ignore that this is a bullying tactic, that the men telling these jokes derive their amusement specifically from knowing they upset me, piss me off, hurt me. They tell them and I can laugh, and they can thus feel superior, or I can not laugh, and they can thus feel superior."

"There are men who will read this post and think, huffily, dismissively, that a person of color could write a post very much like this one about white people, about me. That's absolutely right. So could a lesbian, a gay man, a bisexual, an asexual. So could a trans or intersex person (which hardly makes a comprehensive list). I'm okay with that. I don't feel hated. I feel mistrusted—and I understand it; I respect it. It means, for me, I must be vigilant, must make myself trustworthy. Every day."

Read the full post here.


Another good one:

"Consider that while you’re just joking around, a woman might actually be doing some quick mental math to see if she’s going to have to hide in a fucking bathroom stall and call someone to come help her, like I did three days ago."

Full post: Tips to Men I Love About Men Who Scare Me

A Critical Email

Since my long absence from this blog, I have a few posts elsewhere that I'll be adding and updating here as I am able. This is a followup the occurred in November 2014.

I ultimately decided to send feedback about the terrible Six:02 race via email.

11/24/14

Hello Stephanie,

I recently participated in Six:02's Dallas event, the It's Your Time 6k race on November 15, with two of my coworkers. We had a good time running together and enjoyed the unusual race distance, but I have a number of critiques about the event and its execution.

The 6k race website encouraged participants to use public transportation, specifically the DART rail to reach the event, but the DART website has for a while shown an announcement that downtown DART rail stations are closed on weekends from October 25 to November 30. The announcement is front and center at DART's main website, http://www.dart.org/, and I think it was an egregious error for race organizers to fail to research and post that information for participants; and further to fail to offer any discount on expensive weekend parking in Downtown Dallas.

Since the unseasonal cold front moved in the week of the race, I can understand that the race organizers would be caught by surprise. However, it appears as if they cared not at all about the freezing temperatures and race participants. Could they perhaps have purchased hand warmers in bulk from Sam's Club a few days before the race? Could they have sent an email to participants with tips for dressing to run in such cold weather, ESPECIALLY since there were so many novice runners and this weather is unusual for Dallas? This would have been a very simple and effective task to show some concern for participants' well-being. Could the event have offered a bag check so participants could dress adequately for warmth before and after the race and leave their layers and enormous swag bags rather than carry so much while running or trek several city blocks to their cars to drop things off?

I thought that the speakers set up along the course providing upbeat music were a great touch. Maybe your team could work on a playlist for the next race that doesn't demean women. The first song I heard on the course was literally about stalking and preying on a woman like an animal (Adam Levine's deeply disturbing song "Animals").

From a Washington Times article ( http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2014/oct/2/adam-levine-accused-of-promoting-stalker-rape-in-n/ ):

Lyrics include, “Baby, I’m preying on you tonight. Hunt you down eat you alive.”

The Rape, Abuse Incest National Network told TMZ: “No one should ever confuse the criminal act of stalking with romance.”

I also recall hearing a country song about a woman 'busting out of her bikini top.' After looking online, I find that it's "Cruise" by Florida Georgia Line:

Hey baby

Yeah, when I first saw that bikini top on her

She’s poppin’ right out of the South Georgia water

Thought, "Oh, good lord, she had them long tanned legs!"

Couldn’t help myself so I walked up and said

Are you freaking kidding me? It is not that hard to find music that doesn't objectify and demean women, and I'd be thrilled to share some examples if Six:02 needs help with not alienating its target demographic.

The last song I heard as I left the festival area was Meghan Trainor's "All About That Bass," which has been heavily criticized all over the Internet all summer long. Sure, it's catchy, but the lyrics are pretty demeaning to "skinny bitches," like many of the runners I saw at the 6k. ( http://feministing.com/2014/08/06/why-meghan-trainors-body-acceptance-anthem-all-about-that-bass-is-disappointing/ )

I was further dismayed to see hundreds of yellow, white, and silver helium balloons lining the course along Katy Trail. Helium is a limited resource necessary for crucial medical purposes and scientific testing, and there is a global shortage of it. I've run two other races along that stretch of Katy Trail and enjoyed the beautiful trail itself far more than seeing such waste and many balloons popped and littering nature along the edges.

I signed up for this race because my coworker suggested it and we were intrigued by the promised "pampering" at the finish line. The massage therapists were AMAZING. Waiting in a long line in the cold, shivering in sweat, however, was not. The massage line was consistently the longest throughout the event, and I am stunned that the 6k team didn't realize a bunch of sweaty women would not be that interested in getting their hair and makeup done after running four miles. Surely these choices of "pampering" can't be indicative of what Six:02 really thinks of its customers, I hope.

A friend of mine suggested: "If you wanted to do something 'make-uppy' how about parafin treatments for windburned hands? That would be warm at least. And MORE massages, in a heated tent of course, and on a 'take-a-number' system so people could mill about and drink hot things instead of standing in line."

I would like to suggest offering a foam rolling station with a knowledgeable trainer available to show runners the best ways to work out stiff muscles and/or a station for calf and ankle massage since we'd just run a noteworthy distance.

Though I really did enjoy the course that wound through beautiful parts of downtown Dallas, chatting with and challenging my two coworkers, I feel that my enjoyment was often in spite of the event's execution. The race's organizing team misfired in a lot of ways as far as connecting with and respecting its target demographic and failed miserably at empowering women in athletics.

Thank you for your time and consideration, as well as the opportunity to send feedback about the It's Your Time 6k event.

Sincerely,

Moniqa Paullet

11/24/14

Hi Moniqa,

Thanks very much for sharing your feedback. As mentioned, I’m part of the social media team and will circle back with my teammates at SIX:02. We’ll be in touch soon.

Best,

Stephanie

It’s April 2015, and I have heard nothing further.

Six:02 6k race report

Since my long absence from this blog, I have a few posts elsewhere that I'll be adding and updating here as I am able. This story is from November 2014.

A race report, wherein I shall complain at length about an event targeted at women but not very considerate toward women:

Saturday morning I had a 6k race that a coworker talked me into (because I otherwise avoid women's races like the plague).

The race website encouraged participants to take the DART rail, but I found out in the wee hours of the morning that the DART rail is closed in that part of town every weekend for about two months, and this has been clearly posted on the DART website for at least a month. So I got to drive instead and pay $10 for fucking downtown parking that I hadn't budgeted for.

I had NO IDEA how to dress to run in such weather (30°F), so I gambled with many layers. I always run in Vibram FiveFingers but knew my toes would freeze painfully, so I resigned myself to trying to run in my $15 Wal-Mart sneakers that I only use for walking and that I had to buy a size big to fit the width of my foot. I got to the festival area and found myself pleasantly comfortable standing around, so I stripped off my outer two layers and put the outer one back on so I'd be comfortable to run. I feel like I was REALLY lucky that this combination of gear worked for me. I got one moderate but manageable blister on one foot, and my toes felt OK. Perhaps I ought to invest in a pair of cold-weather running pants, though I've never needed them before.

The event was put on by a women's athletic clothing store called Six:02, which doesn't actually have its own clothing line but sells all the big brands. Its marketing is so bizarre: The copy on their web page goes on about "What's your six:02 moment?" and encourages people to post and tag their #‎six02 moments all over social media (through which I won a $100 gift card to the shop, which is cool). The "Six:02" moment is a moment for yourself when you do something just for you that makes you feel good, related to fitness. It seems to me as if the company is simply co-opting the idea of "self care" and trying to slap their brand on it. It irritates me that they chose such a random time and an even more random arrangement of letters, numbers, and symbols for their brand. The branding seems entirely gibberish.

On the one hand, if the concept works and attracts more women to fitness pursuits, that's great; on the other, the company has some serious problems with understanding its target demographic. The race was advertised as having "pampering" at the end, which sounded like it might be fun. So there were four stations set up: hair styling, makeup touch-ups, manicures, and massage. Guess which one had the longest line. Who would have ever thought that a bunch of sweaty bitches wouldn't want to get their hair and makeup done after running 4 miles? We stood freezing (~30-35°F that morning) in our sweaty gear for 20 minutes to get a stupid shoulder massage, and I felt REALLY bad when I saw that the masseurs' hands were bare.

It was cool that there were speakers set up along the course playing upbeat music and really NOT cool that the first song was about preying on a woman like an animal; and the last song as I left was the catchy and oft-criticized "All About That Bass." Creating a playlist of songs that don't demean women isn't that freaking hard. Women's empowerment: they're doing it wrong.

The swag bag and items they gave out to participants were surprisingly good, and I am curious about how much money they poured into the black hole of this sparsely attended event. Registration was not expensive, and compared to other races I've attended, it's clear they lost a lot on this one. We got a nice quality drawstring bag, hand towel, water bottle, tech t-shirt, and silver medallion necklace at the finish line instead of medals.

I *really* hope they compensated the stylists and masseurs well for standing in the cold 2-3 hours serving everyone with bare fingers. There was an impressive jumbo screen and a few top athletes clearly flown in to help promote the brand, and an impressive level of videography and photography going on for future promotional purposes. It was all very over-the-top for 259 runners.

The course wound through some cool parts of downtown and had minimal hills (but several people complained about how bad the hills were). I ran with two coworkers and we each thought the other two would surely take off and leave us in the dust, but we all pushed one another harder than we would have pushed ourselves and finished with an average 11:30 min/mi pace, WAY better than any of us hoped for. One had been struggling with her C25K training and had only run a 5k race once before. The other had given up on training for several weeks or months, and I've been a solidly slow runner: I struggled through a sub-40 3-mile treadmill run earlier that week. We had a really good time together.

I understand that this was a record freeze for Dallas that swept in the same week of the race so they were caught off-guard. They were REALLY lucky that the location and course weren't windy. Could they have bought bulk hand warmers at Sam's Club to offer to participants? Could they have sent out an email with tips for dressing and running in cold weather, especially since there are so many first-timers at this event? Maybe offer leg and feet massages? A foam rolling station and knowledgeable demonstrator? A bag check so we could bring enough clothes to be warm before and after the race and not have to run while carrying all that cool swag? A friend suggested: "If you wanted to do something 'make-uppy' how about parifin treatments for windburned hands? That would be warm at least. And MORE massages, in a heated tent of course, and on a 'take-a-number' system so people could mill about and drink hot things instead of standing in line."

*Edited to add: I also remember hearing a shitty country song sung by a man crooning about a woman's boobs busting out of her bikini top.

I also forgot to kvetch about the HUNDREDS of helium balloons lining Katy Trail, many of which had popped and littered the area before I passed. Helium is a limited resource (and at a worldwide shortage) necessary in medical and other science fields. Latex is a common allergy, and littering a nature trail is fucking shitty.

I hope there's a post-race survey, or I will find another way to offer constructive feedback.

I survived speed dating

And I know you want to hear ALL about it.

Since my long absence from this blog, I have a few posts elsewhere that I'll be adding and updating here as I am able. This story is from July 2014.

I've long been frustrated at Internet dating and wanted to give something new a try out of curiosity. The event was called "Speed Dating Event For All Active/Fit Lifestyle Single Professionals Ages 26-39," which ought to have been right up my alley.

I'm told that the organization frequently used that restaurant location, but they did not bother to tell participants that it was across the street from the same restaurant's former location, now an empty building, and that Google maps only recognizes the empty one. Minorly irritating, but I found the right place and walked in the door right at 7:30, when the event was scheduled to start.

And the coordinator first thing instead of greeting me, aggressively stated, "You're late." So, instead of welcoming me as a participant and putting me at ease in a traditionally stressful situation, I was briefly panicking and believed I'd be turned away entirely after I'd already paid for the event, the information for which was very clear to say that it wouldn't begin until everyone arrived. "It's 7:30 RIGHT NOW," I retorted, not about to take that shit. One woman and several men arrived later than me; two women and three men were no-shows altogether.

The coordinator led me to my table and then told me not to follow him (presumably because it was a small space?). He had info for me and to explain how things worked, so I stood beside him waiting for him to tell me eye-to-eye before I sat down and he told me to sit down because he didn't want to talk to me face to face, instead standing over me to tell me how things worked. It's obvious bullshit macho posturing, and I do not have patience for that crap.

This was all in the first five minutes of my arrival, and the event hadn't even begun.

It was held in a loud restaurant with the tables too-close together, and after four meets, I was exhausted at yelling across the table but had five more men to meet. It was a lot of sensory overload, and I was uncomfortable and jittery the whole time. Our waitress was brand new and had no idea what to do with our group and was equally uncomfortable.

Each meeting was six minutes, which was not long enough for me to be impressed or determine whether I wanted to date anyone again, but I had a good attitude and checked "yes" for the five who were OK-ish. Hot paramedic wouldn't even look at me the whole time we spoke. (Wtf, dude?) A couple men seemed much too old for me, or maybe just old for their age.

There quickly developed a pattern that the men wanted to dominate or lead the conversation, which I found dull and difficult to let them do. Had I known what to expect, I'd have been prepared to take the lead myself. I did have a nice time chatting up the woman next to me before and after the event though, and she recommended some otherMeetup.com groups to check out that might be better for meeting people, since we were both underwhelmed by the event.

Only one man out of the nine "chose" me, and I hadn't even had the chance to tell any of them I'm an unshaven feminist to give them a reason for being put off. I did not find the one interesting but might drop him a line because six minutes doesn't count for much. I was vaguely disappointed but mostly relieved that the ordeal was over. I'd only felt lukewarm about anyone in attendance.

I had no idea what to expect going in-- whether the type of people who did this were brave, crazy, or desperate. And I guess I can cross it off my bucket list now, but it was an uncomfortable event, and I can usually handle myself well in social stuff that I choose to attend.

Unless I find an organization that offers these events for bi/gay/queer folk, I'm pretty sure I won't be doing this again for some years at least, unless maybe I lose a bet or something.

Fuck Chivalry

To be clear, the strict denotation and most common connotation of chivalry is treating women a certain way because they are women. It is a problematic code that teaches men to go out of their way to treat women differently rather than treat all people politely regardless of appearance. This outdated code of behaviors ought to be formally abolished.

Image of Facebook status update, text reads: I fucking hate chivalry and want to kick in its teeth. Today the man ahead of me was halfway through the door when he noticed I was carrying a few things and literally stepped back INTO me to hold the door open for me. Hello, Monday.

This recent status update triggered a 150+ comment fight about how I have no right to feel angry about men's well-intentioned actions or to gripe about it on my own wall and how I should just be thankful they pay me any attention at all. Of course it was all men growing upset and spewing vitriolic insults and gendered slurs on this thread when women tried to explain why I was upset about being rudely jostled (such that I very nearly dropped a quart of chili on the floor) instead of let through the door.

It's a common pain in my ass that businessmen in my office building go out of their way to treat women differently for the sake of "chivalry," which frequently results in awkward inconveniences rather than actual courtesy. If you hold the door for any people regardless of gender appearance because it's the nice thing to do, good on ya; this post is not about you. This goes way beyond bitching about door-holding.

Let me paint for you some vignettes that happen several times a week here.

A man (or men) standing directly in front of the elevator door when it opens while I am standing 10 feet further away do not get on the elevator but gesture that I should board first. I was waiting for the people closest to the door to get on first because fucking duh but am instead given mere seconds to scramble aboard before the door closes and to juggle whatever I'm carrying so I may press the button to hold open the door for the people who were there first.

These men have been taught to let women go first in the name of courtesy but do it at the expense of courtesy and their actions are downright rude, their intentions negated by the inconvenience they cause us all.

Or, not infrequently, if I am standing closest to the elevator door, a man behind me will cut me off and jump in or out ahead of me so that he can hold the door open for me, making me brush past and navigate around him. Seriously, what the fuck?

More than once in a full elevator, men nearest the door have refused to exit on the first floor until making all the women behind them push out past them first. What the hell kind of courtesy is that? Besides which, it's infuriatingly inefficient.

Though we could try to blame a handful (or a dozen) men for their awkward ineptitude instead of the system that taught them to do this, but there are thousands of instances of frustration caused by outward appearances of so-called chivalry that ultimately make life more difficult.

Jumping in someone's way to open a car door for them is still getting in someone's way, and worse, doing it based on sexist ideas of what constitutes polite behavior. Ostentatious displays intended to prove one's "gentlemanliness" are self-defeating. Genuine politeness is not an act committed to solicit gratitude or prove anything.

Holding doors for people nearby can be polite. Holding a door for someone far away, though and as often happens, makes them feel obligated to rush, possibly in high heels or on slick ground or with an injury or soreness from working out the day before, thereby negating any iota of help that might have been given or intended. Causing people frustration because you insist on treating them differently due to their gender expression is not polite or gentlemanly.

I am not wrong for feeling upset at being jostled, cut off, blocked, rushed, or held up because some man insisted on treating me a certain way. These are all perfectly reasonable reasons to be miffed, nothing radical about it. The fact that these things happen on a regular basis is endlessly irritating, and not for any fault in me, with or without consideration for ideas on what men think of women when they think they ought to perform mundane tasks for them which they are perfectly capable of accomplishing for themselves. I could (and may) write a whole other post about the underlying assumptions about women's physical capabilities that motivate "chivalrous" actions, but that's not what this is about.

Intentions aren't worth shit when they translate to rude actions that make other people's lives harder. And more than the actions themselves, the explanations and imperatives that I ought to smile and say, "Thank you" in order to accommodate men's feelings and make them feel good at the expense of my own genuine happiness and ease in the world REALLY piss me off. Fuck your chivalry and your insistence that it's so great and I ought to be thankful for men who care enough to make my life more difficult.

Can Men and Women be Just Friends?

The answer is: not if either party is married because there is nothing to be gained from friendship with the opposite gender* except advice on attracting a mate, or making that friend your mate.

According to Brett McKay from The Art of Manliness (I swear I did not even make that up):

"And while opposite-sex friendships can provide benefits, those benefits really only apply to singles. Your guy friend can provide insights into how the male mind works, which may help you navigate your romantic life more successfully. Or—perhaps an unexpected benefit—an opposite-sex friendship could evolve into a fulfilling romantic relationship. Many solid marriages begin from a solid friendship."

Instead of planning to regularly communicate with your spouse about mutual needs and expectations and respecting the boundaries you establish together, you really ought to defriend everyone the same gender as your spouse. Or if you're bisexual, I suppose, don't have any friends. Ever.

"Sadly, my wife and I know a few people—both men and women—who ended up cheating on their spouses with a close opposite-sex friend when the above scenario played out. These people were ardent proponents of the idea that men and women can still be friends, even while married . . . right up until those friendships destroyed their marriages."

Personal responsibility is hardly a necessary component of a healthy relationship as long as you only have friends you're not attracted to. Because it's not people who decide to cheat but friendships that ultimately destroy marriages.

Silly me. My little lady brain had thought there might be mutual enjoyment to be had from conversing with interesting people of the opposite gender about anything other than my supposed perpetual search for a proper penis to fulfill my lifelong dreams and validate my existence in this world. I guess I should know better, especially since a random man on the Internet says so, and everything Men say is Highly Logical, Well-Reasoned, Irrefutable Truth™.

So, I guess I have a long list of men who need to break up with / unfriend me now. When I explained the situation, one assured me he only ever befriends women he intends to have sex with, but we agreed: Ain't nobody got time for dat!

Well, it's been nice knowing you fellas, but we just can't be friends anymore because other people have been known to cheat on their spouses and there may come a day when my Sinister Lady Bits** lead you into temptation, and there will be NOTHING you can do about it! Muwahaha! You just can't trust 'em, those wild vagina-raptors, always on the prowl for innocent, married prey.

*Sorry for the hetero-normative wording. I'm not sure how to reword it any better.
**Dibs on future band/troupe name.