Losing My Balance

I have run three times in the month that’s passed since finishing my December 10 marathon. I’ve done a bit of yoga and parkour as well and more walking than usual, but it’s still a marked difference from my previous activity level.

I believe strongly in choosing enjoyable movement to benefit your mind and body, not as punishment or a chore.

Yet I’ve been struggling not to struggle with anxiety regarding the change as it relates to generally recommended amounts of exercise, the amounts I’ve relied upon to manage my stress and mental health, and the amount of weight-bearing exercise I need to specifically counteract the detrimental effects my birth control has on my bones.

Race training was difficult and riddled with aches and pains, minor injuries, and illness. The race itself was pretty awful. I knew I would need a break from running for my emotional and mental health, but I wasn’t sure how I wanted to fill that hole to maintain my physical and mental health, or if I even wanted to fill it. I’d missed spending hours sitting and making arts and crafts, and I was so SO tired for so long.

I met my goal of finishing my first marathon, but the process of getting there wrecked the balance of exercise in my life.

I no longer want to train or race. I don’t want to keep hurting from the sheer volume of pounding the pavement. And I don’t know how to find joy in running again.

I’m letting my pool membership lapse because I hate having to drive to another city to swim laps at 5 AM in order to get a lane and get back before morning rush hour. I really want a membership for the rec center across the street from my house, but I cannot stand the idea of tolerating January-resolution crowds. I can and do use the fitness center at my office, but it has limited hours and I have to split the work day to get equipment and space to myself.

I enjoy yoga and weightlifting and walking and hiking, but will these be enough for my bones and my brain?

I have a strong interest in parkour and hip-hop dance classes, but the evening schedules are hard for me to attend, and I had to cancel last night's parkour lesson because of a migraine (which is likely to happen again).

I hadn't run in two weeks but woke today to a glorious 60-degree morning and laced up my sneakers to go hatch some Pokémon. I ran more today than I had the last two times I tried (both were shockingly challenging and painful and quickly turned into very long walks), and it felt really good. I don't think it necessarily marks a significant transition, but it is one good run, one good day. And that ain't nothin'.

I'm working hard to trust my brain and my body to do what they need to do for now.

And I'm meeting each day one at a time, adopting a bellydance teacher-friend's classroom rules as a personal mantra:

This body. This day.

A good day for a run. #runfie #fitfeminist #healthyliving #gottahatchemall #teamvalor #BAWG #feministselfie

A photo posted by Moniqa Aylin (@fierymon) on Jan 11, 2017 at 6:38am PST

You are not a naughty child.

Exercise is not punishment. Eating is not bad behavior. You are not a naughty child.

"Moving your body should never be done as punishment and you do not have to earn your food. Some even add “because you’re not a dog” to that statement but I disagree. I don’t make my dog earn his food either. I feed him because I love him and I’m a responsible canine-mom." Read more here.

To exercise or not exercise: you decide

I tried to get this across in a post a few days ago:

Fitness, movement, and exercise are personal choices. Independence and the right to pursue happiness are pretty damn important. Self autonomy is pretty damn important. You do what you want to do. Don’t do things that make you miserable or because you hate your body and yourself. You will fail at hating yourself smaller. So STOP it.

And/but Ragen over at Dances With Fat posted a much better one today.

"What’s your excuse for having such an unbelievably over exaggerated sense of self-importance that you actually think that everyone should aspire to the same things that you do?" 

So go check it out.

I like running. If you like running or want to, I will definitely encourage you and talk your ear off. But if running makes you want to drown kittens, then don't do it. You get to make choices for your life that will make you happy. Giving into exercise moralizing or body shame and stigma may make some people happy, but it's not for everyone, and neither does it have to be.

Update: I think this thing is worthy of some silly memes.

I have a blog. What's your excuse?

Exercise: Why I Like It, and Why You Don't Gotta

I don’t have an addictive personality, and I’ve never stuck with anything. I like exercise . . . sometimes. Sometimes a lot, sometimes often, sometimes not for several weeks.

I ran a half marathon in May 2011. Today (I began this draft in April) I can’t run a whole mile without walking some. I sign up for adventure runs (5K races with obstacles or other wacky themes) several times a year. But I haven’t run except sporadically in the last 6 months. Because November kept me busy with art and illness, then the holidays were busy, and it was cold, and I was depressed, and my bed was so warm and comforting at 6 AM, and I kept having shin pain when I tried to run again, and I would be hobbled for days after a mere mile because I refuse to ease back into it.

And it’s just plain hard to get back on the wagon. Especially with all the New Year’s weight loss hooplah permeating the air. And I had since given up trying to lose weight or punish my body and didn’t know how to approach exercise from that new viewpoint.

Fitness is not a moral imperative or societal obligation. This important, so I’m saying it twice: fitness is not a moral imperative or societal obligation. You alone are the boss of your own underpants. Fat people are not driving up the costs of healthcare.

Fitness, movement, and exercise are personal choices. Independence and the right to pursue happiness are pretty damn important. Self autonomy is pretty damn important. You do what you want to do. Don’t do things that make you miserable or because you hate your body and yourself. You will fail at hating yourself smaller. So STOP it.

The recommendations for 150 minutes of exercise per week are arbitrary. People reap benefits from any small amount of exercise. I happen to find 30-40 minute workout sessions absolutely torturous, but I can go all out, balls-to-the-wall for 10-15 minutes a day. It’s a more efficient use of my time.

I exercise because:

• I like to feel strong and prove to myself how strong I am.
• I’m often impressed with just how much I can achieve.
• It helps keep my moods balanced.
• It keeps me from needing/seeking professional help for depression.
• I like being on top and have to have strong arms to help me do so. *wink, wink*
• It makes me feel like a fucking badass.
• I get cool finisher's medals to hang on my wall.
• I have something to brag about.
• I like obstacle races/mud runs.
• It’s a great way to get outside and enjoy the weather.
• It’s a great way to get outside and spite the weather.
• It helps me sleep better.
• It boosts my energy.
• Shimmies are awesome.
• Zombies.
• Fucking raptors, man.
• I get to eat SO much.
• It gives me a defensible reason to eschew dieting. (I’m only human.)

Exercise I like:

• running
• hiking
• walking
• hitting my friends with sticks (aka medieval combat recreation, boffer, LARP, Amtgard)
• HIIT mixing body-weight weight-training with cardio, no equipment
  (I like Zuzanna, formerly of bodyrock.tv)
• belly dance
• poi practice
• sex
• squats
• climbing stairs from the first to the nineteenth floor of my office building

Healthism

The CDC and myriad other professional organizations recommend at least 150 minutes of moderate intensity aerobic exercise PLUS two days of strength training per week for adults. This has been touted all over the news and in innumerable health-ish news articles as an easy way to guarantee fitness and health, a magical number, the Golden Ratio, the answer to life, the universe, and everything.

And I'm all like:

But I happened to look up what is defined as “moderate intensity” exercise just now: walking (3 mph), water aerobics, slow bicycling, gardening. Um, what? Those don’t even register with me for exercise and I would always have called them low or zero intensity.

Have I been failing bare minimum recommendations because I pretty much ONLY do “vigorous intensity” types of movement? I should be elated because this knowledge makes perfect fitness more attainable, right?

But it makes me angry that I had to search for this definition and that there are so many other people who are alienated and feel themselves failures because they think they can't meet the same standards.

(This possibly should be two separate posts.)

On the path to knowledge, I learned about privilege including able-ism and that healthism is bad. I’m trying harder to learn what healthism isand why it’s bad and am discovering that I am probably a healthist prat myself. I found a very good explanation, though:

“No longer is health a normal state of equilibrium and no longer are doctors those to whom we turn only when this equilibrium is disturbed. 

Instead, our entire life, even in the complete absence of sickness, is implicated in the pursuit of more perfect health and greater longevity. We must not smoke or hang around smokers, drink too much, eat fat, breathe summer air in the cities, pursue dangerous sports and, of course, we must exercise to recapture some aboriginal state of fitness. Doctors have become the priests of this new cult of endless aspiration. They screen, check and warn the healthy, upbraid the sick and lecture us all on the multiple errors of our ways. Everything can be, as Skrabanek puts it, 'medicalised', every act can be shown to have health implications and can, therefore, form part of our lifestyle dossier being compiled by whatever recording angels inhabit healthist heaven.”

I've learned that healthism is problematic and some of the reasons why. Nobody is ever obligated to pursue health. But I haven't internalized it and may not agree with it . . . fully . . . yet. I like fitness and feeling good and I like having friends who do too, and we're pretty awesome and do awesome stuff, so I assume other people would want to, too. There it gets tricky. I see why it's a leap in logic, but I've been raised to believe that so much morality is based on the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you. Just a few weeks ago, I learned this is a terrible idea because other people might really DISlike what you like for people to do to you! The surface understanding is there; the seed is planted, but it doesn't yet go deep enough to shape my words and actions.

Must . . . learn . . . moar!

Low-impact exercise

I was asked for suggestions of low-impact exercise. I have no certifications. These are things I like that work for me and some other people, too.

I have crooked kneecaps and was facing surgery and PT when my doc explained that I needed to strengthen the muscles in my thighs above my kneecaps. I learned that using the elliptical machines at the gym, particularly going backwards, is a super way to do that specifically and is a great low-impact workout for others’ needs as well.

For the same affliction, I could never bicycle much because the extreme bending and straightening caused awkward and constant popping of my kneecaps. BUT a recumbent (sitting with feet out in front of you) stationary bike worked just fine because the angle of movement was far less extreme.

Belly dance: It takes a little bit of luck to find a great instructor, and if you’re in a big city and have the means, definitely try out a handful of teachers. It can be as easy or as intensive as you want/need. My first teacher teaches at the local senior center in particular. It’s wonderful for most any body type and fitness level; I had a classmate who used it in her cancer recovery. LOTS of online instruction is available too, but the quality varies widely, so it will take a bit of searching/research.

Swimming: Dependent on your local resources, I suppose. I managed to get a $19/mo membership to all my city’s recreation centers, including the gyms, basketball and racquetball courts, and POOLS. I’m a newb to lap swimming and had the fortune of dating a lifeguard who loves to teach. I’m looking into lessons for adults to improve my movements, because swimming is hardly an intuitive sort of movement. Laps are not easy, and maybe just walking laps in the shallow end or water aerobics will provide a nice, cool workout.

Beyond that, I would have to do some research. A lot of people rave about yoga, but it just isn’t for me. Tai chi is a cool exercise, but the style just didn’t suit me. Let me know if you have any other questions.