Answering Queries: My Spouse is Bisexual?

I put some thought into recent responses on Quora and figured I'd share them here, too, since I clearly need to work on writing more consistently.

What should I do that I've discovered my husband is a bisexual?

If he has told you he is bisexual, then support him and thank him for trusting you with that information. It can be hard to come out to friends and loved ones because there is so much erasure of bisexuality in our culture as well as negative stereotypes and bi-phobia from both heterosexual AND homosexual peers.

Nothing has actually changed except that he has revealed a private part of himself to you. Maybe ask him if he feels a desire to act on those feelings and discuss whether or how you two want to address that.

If he has not told you, then he is not ready to, and it is not for you to “out” him.

Despite common misconceptions, bisexual people are no more or less likely to break relationship agreements than, say, a person who finds both blondes and brunettes attractive.

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Answering questions: How do I know if I'm gay?

I put some time into recent responses on Quora and figured I'd share them here, too, since I clearly need to work on writing more consistently.

How do I know if I'm gay?

Only you know and can decide, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to. It can be tricky because not everyone’s sexual orientation matches neatly with their romantic orientation nor with their behaviors or preferences.

The short answer is that it’s entirely up to you to identify as you wish, and it’s totally valid, too, if your feelings change over time.

The longer answer requires asking yourself if you feel physical or sexual or romantic attraction toward people of the same gender as you, and whether you feel those things toward only the same gender as you or maybe in differing degrees toward people of various genders.

Popular discourse rarely separates the types of attraction, instead assuming that people uniformly feel physical, sexual, and romantic attraction in the same way. However, people can find themselves experiencing any mix of heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual, homosexual attraction paired with heteroromantic or homoromantic or biromantic attraction or even various shades of aromantic, demiromantic, asexual, or demisexual feelings.

These are the simplest definitions (though each has more individual nuance that you can learn about through your own research) for these terms:

• heterosexual – experiencing sexual attraction toward people of a gender different from your own
• homosexual – experiencing sexual attraction toward people of a gender the same as your own
• bisexual – experiencing sexual attraction toward people of genders both like and unlike your own
• pansexual – experiencing sexual attraction toward people of any gender
• asexual – when one generally does not experience sexual attraction toward other people and/or does not desire sexual activity with other people (There’s more info at asexuality.org)
• demisexual – falls under the umbrella of asexual but can mean that one only very rarely experiences sexual attraction toward other people and/or only experiences sexual attraction if there is first a romantic/emotional connection with a person, and many similar caveats (It’s not just “being picky” about sexual partners. There’s more info at asexuality.org)
• heteroromantic – experiencing romantic feelings (attraction/connection/affection) toward people of a gender different from your own
• homoromantic – experiencing romantic feelings(attraction/connection/affection) toward people of a gender the same as your own
• biromantic – experiencing romantic feelings (attraction/connection/affection) toward people of genders both like and unlike your own
• panromantic – experiencing romantic feelings (attraction/connection/affection) toward people of any gender

So it is possible that someone could be both heteroromantic and asexual, someone else could be biromantic and heterosexual, someone could be bisexual and demisexual and homoromantic, and so on.

Most of us have never thought about these particulars and might not know immediately, but knowing there are more spectrums, axes, and nuance to sexual orientation is a great starting point for understanding and determining or defining what our own is.

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Biphobia in Practice

On September 1, I was getting groceries with my best friend in Omaha, Nebraska.

So no shit there we are, standing in the checkout line, and a lady behind us sees two plushies I'm about to purchase.

L: Oh! It's so cute! Where did you find it?
M: Over there; they have lots of them!
L: Wow! It's Wonder Woman, right?
M: Yes. And this is a rainbow hedgehog.
L: Adorable.
M: It was on sale!
L: Oh, and what is that tattoo behind your ear?
M: Oh, that's a rainbow. I got it last summer when the Supreme Court upheld marriage equality.
L: *face changes, very slowly, from affable interest to slight horror, to slightly off-put might-have-gas-ness and she suddenly becomes very interested in her groceries and completely mute*

As we're exiting the store:

Bff: . . . So did she just straight up stop talking as soon as you explained your tattoo?
M: Yep. That's exactly what happened.
Bff: Woooooow.

(Credit to best friend for the retelling)

Way to live down to my expectations of the Midwest, Omaha. This exchange make me even happier to miss the family reunion in the area that weekend. I'd originally booked the trip to spend a few days with best friend and go to the extended family reunion, but as more of my immediate family canceled and it looked like I'd be visiting a bunch of strangers (about whom I know nothing except that they're Christian white people from the Midwest, and my only interaction with them was when one found his way to my Facebook page to make transphobic comments about Caitlyn Jenner), I decided to spend the whole trip with best friend instead.


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This week a friend invited me to an event hosted by the Gay and Lesbian Alliance, but I see there's no B in "GALA." Bisexual people face negativity and exclusion not only from heterosexuals but also from homosexuals as well. 

Yesterday an article made its way around Facebook discussing a recent survey that found half of Americans would not date a bisexual person. The comments section, unsurprisingly, is a hot mess of biphobia masquerading as Logic™.

Close friends have even said they would never date/trust a bisexual because a bisexual person in their past was untrustworthy. Seriously, though, how many millions of relationships between different-gender people have ended the same way? If I let the fact that people in my past relationships were often dishonest and hurtful influence my decisions that same way, I would never date a straight man again.

September 23 is Bisexual Visibility Day. Be aware that bisexuals face some of the highest rates of poverty, mental illness, drug use, suicide, self-harm, assault, and rape compared to both their straight AND gay peers.

• In a 2009 survey, bisexuals were tolerated only slightly more than intravenous drug users in a survey of self-identifying heterosexuals.
• Data from Australia shows that both men and women who are bisexual have the highest percentages of suicide attempts.
• Most bisexuals won’t tell someone about their sexual orientation until the age of 20.
• Nearly half of all bisexual households have a total family income that is less than $30k.
• Research shows that bisexual people are six times more likely than gay men and lesbians to hide their sexual orientation.

"While 20% of bisexuals report experiencing a negative employment decision based on their sexuality, almost 60% of bisexual people report hearing anti-bisexual jokes and comments on the job.

"Bisexual people experience higher rates of sexual and intimate partner violence than gay, lesbian, and straight people. Bisexual women experience significantly higher rates of violence both overall and by significant others, compared to lesbian and straight women: 46% of bisexual women have experienced rape, compared to 13% and 17% of lesbian and straight women, respectively. Sixty-one percent of bisexual women have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner, compared to 43% and 35% of lesbian and straight women respectively. More than half of bisexual women who experienced violence by an intimate partner reported that they had missed a day of work or school, feared for their safety, or experience another negative impact. Bisexual men also report higher rates of sexual violence; nearly half of bisexual men (47%) report experiencing sexual violence other than rape in their lifetime."

Understand that erasure is not privilege.
Erasure is not privilege.

"It means coming out over and over and over and over again…sometimes to the same person. It means I get dragged back into the closet every damn day. It hurts every time, but today in light of this already bleeding wound, biphobia and erasure is excruciating.

"It means I feel alone a lot."

My best friend (at the time) recoiled in horror when I came out to her.
So I didn't come out for another 10 years.

Bisexuals aren't confused. They aren't more likely to cheat. Not "everybody's a little bit gay." It isn't it a joke.

For us, it's literally life and death.

"According to the American Journal of Public Health, among women, bisexual women report the highest prevalence of post-traumatic stress disorder (of PTSD) (26.6% versus 6.6% of straight women), with high prevalence of PTSD setting the stage for poorer health throughout adulthood. Bisexuals have higher suicidality rates: one study found bisexuals were four times more likely and lesbian and gay adults two times more likely to report attempted suicide than straight adults."

September 23 is Celebrate Bisexuality Day.

Resources

https://thinkprogress.org/new-studies-illuminate-the-unique-experiences-of-bisexual-men-and-women-fd36d26c18cd#.tolv0a1m4
http://healthresearchfunding.org/24-uncommon-bisexuality-statistics/

http://www.lgbtmap.org/file/understanding-issues-facing-bisexual-americans.pdf

Coming out

Yesterday (April 1) a lot of people had a laugh at pretending to come out of the closet and have since had the privilege not to give it another thought. I'm not laughing. My identity is not a joke or a punchline.

Since today has a slightly lower risk of ridicule and derision, I decided to publicly come out as bisexual on Facebook. I wanted to do it yesterday when I read about the Michigan woman who married her partner and was beaten by hateful homophobes because it scared me so very much. That isn't something people should have to be afraid of, and fewer would if more of us spoke up.

Many of my friends already knew, many didn't, and many probably won't see the post and still won't know. I typically have remarkably bad coming out experiences, so I don't know if I'll do it again.

I've known for over a decade, and it wasn't the fear of attack or judgment by strangers that kept me silent but all the thoughtless things said by friends and family in that time that hurt and made me afraid.

When I was 17 or 18, I told my very best friend. She recoiled in disgust and firmly asserted that she didn't feel that way about me. What the hell? I was hurt that she would be so repulsed by the thought, though I certainly hadn't even hinted at an interest in her and never found her attractive. Feeling dismayed, I never brought it up again.

I don't talk much about my relationships to my family, and my stepmother used to suggest I should be a lesbian so she could be the cool mom in the neighborhood, at which I internally groaned and silently rolled my eyes. I decided then and there to never give her the satisfaction. But over the years I've grown so very tired of her attitude and judgmental nature.

Over this past holiday visit, apropos of nothing whatsoever, she went on and on about how she could never be a lesbian because she hates the smell of women. I mildly suggested there are men she hates the smell of and there are women whose smell she never notices, but she was adamant that all women smell disgusting and she could never be a "rug-muncher," as if it were something so universally distasteful. I dropped it because she has little interest in the logic of confirmation bias and seemed to really get a kick out of going on about it.

Now, after coming out online, she tells me I should have called to tell her because I have nothing to worry about and she couldn't care less about my orientation. And she always wanted to have a bisexual child. Seriously, how on earth does she manage to make my coming out about her?

Coming out to my dear sister as polyamorous some years back was more horrific than I could have imagined, and our relationship suffered for a long time after. She's the one person in the family that I would have counted on to accept me, and after that I decided I never wanted to come out of any closets again as far as family are concerned.

But I'm tired of fear and complacency, discomfort and policing my own words. What kind of ally or activist am I if I'm content to rest on straight-passing privileges? What kind of partner could I possibly be?

So far, those who've responded have been very supportive. Though I don't quite understand why I'd be offered "Congratulations!" on coming out. "I'm bi" feels a lot like telling someone that my favorite color is purple (or green, depending on the day). I don't like that people should have to come out at all, but I hope my doing so can make it easier and safer for others as well in the future.