Answering Queries: Asexuality

I put some thought into recent responses on Quora and figured I'd share them here, too, since I clearly need to work on writing more consistently.

How do you deal with being asexual?

It can help to remember that there is nothing wrong with you. Society is messed up. Social stigma is never your fault. Our culture’s valuation of sexual relationships is narrow-minded, unbalanced, impractical, and unhealthy.

Others’ assumptions about asexuality and misunderstandings can create a lot of challenges in social interactions, but that is not your fault either.

One way to deal with this is to find community. Look for asexual and demisexual groups and pages to follow on social media and forums, check out meetup groups in your area, and explore the friends-seeking features on apps like OkCupid and Bumble.

Learning more about your particular feelings of attraction or lack thereof both sexually and romantically as well as your desires in relation to sexual, sensual, affectionate, and platonic touch will help you develop a strong sense of self and help in navigating relationships with friends and others. It will allow you to determine your wants, needs, and boundaries and how to express them so others will learn how to treat you. There are more and more books, blogs, YouTube videos, memes, and podcasts on these topics. The Asexual Visibility and Education Network has some great resources to look into.

Some ace folk find ethical non-monogamy and polyamory to be valid and fulfilling relationship models because they can enjoy partnership (be it romantic, affectionate, queerplatonic, or something else) without pressure or expectation to fulfill someone’s specific needs that do not mesh with their own. There are lots of books, podcasts, blogs, conferences, social events, and social media groups that can provide more information if this is something that piques your curiosity.

Visibility of asexuality is increasing, and there are many queer allies pushing for better understanding, inclusion, and support of the asexual spectrum within the LGBTQIA community.

Above all, do what feel right for you and don’t give in to others’ pressures or expectations. Be true to yourself, and find people who respect, support, and honor you in doing so.

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Answering Queries: Sexual Orientation and Child-Rearing

I put some thought into recent responses on Quora and figured I'd share them here, too, since I clearly need to work on writing more consistently.

How does gender identity and the relatively recent occurrence of people identifying themselves as pan-sexual poly-sexual, omnis-sexual, ambi-sexual, and fluid sexuality merge into traditional mother and father roles when raising children?

The sexual orientations listed in the original question (pansexual, polysexual, omnisexual, ambisexual, fluid), as well as homosexual, bisexual, and heterosexual, really only define the types of people that one finds sexually or romantically attractive.

Whether one is attracted to men, women, or anyone else is not indicative of whether they want children or how they would choose to raise them.

For any parents of any type, the division of labor and childcare in a house is up to them to determine based on their preferences, skills, and abilities.

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Answering Queries: My Spouse is Bisexual?

I put some thought into recent responses on Quora and figured I'd share them here, too, since I clearly need to work on writing more consistently.

What should I do that I've discovered my husband is a bisexual?

If he has told you he is bisexual, then support him and thank him for trusting you with that information. It can be hard to come out to friends and loved ones because there is so much erasure of bisexuality in our culture as well as negative stereotypes and bi-phobia from both heterosexual AND homosexual peers.

Nothing has actually changed except that he has revealed a private part of himself to you. Maybe ask him if he feels a desire to act on those feelings and discuss whether or how you two want to address that.

If he has not told you, then he is not ready to, and it is not for you to “out” him.

Despite common misconceptions, bisexual people are no more or less likely to break relationship agreements than, say, a person who finds both blondes and brunettes attractive.

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Answering questions: How do I know if I'm gay?

I put some time into recent responses on Quora and figured I'd share them here, too, since I clearly need to work on writing more consistently.

How do I know if I'm gay?

Only you know and can decide, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to. It can be tricky because not everyone’s sexual orientation matches neatly with their romantic orientation nor with their behaviors or preferences.

The short answer is that it’s entirely up to you to identify as you wish, and it’s totally valid, too, if your feelings change over time.

The longer answer requires asking yourself if you feel physical or sexual or romantic attraction toward people of the same gender as you, and whether you feel those things toward only the same gender as you or maybe in differing degrees toward people of various genders.

Popular discourse rarely separates the types of attraction, instead assuming that people uniformly feel physical, sexual, and romantic attraction in the same way. However, people can find themselves experiencing any mix of heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual, homosexual attraction paired with heteroromantic or homoromantic or biromantic attraction or even various shades of aromantic, demiromantic, asexual, or demisexual feelings.

These are the simplest definitions (though each has more individual nuance that you can learn about through your own research) for these terms:

• heterosexual – experiencing sexual attraction toward people of a gender different from your own
• homosexual – experiencing sexual attraction toward people of a gender the same as your own
• bisexual – experiencing sexual attraction toward people of genders both like and unlike your own
• pansexual – experiencing sexual attraction toward people of any gender
• asexual – when one generally does not experience sexual attraction toward other people and/or does not desire sexual activity with other people (There’s more info at asexuality.org)
• demisexual – falls under the umbrella of asexual but can mean that one only very rarely experiences sexual attraction toward other people and/or only experiences sexual attraction if there is first a romantic/emotional connection with a person, and many similar caveats (It’s not just “being picky” about sexual partners. There’s more info at asexuality.org)
• heteroromantic – experiencing romantic feelings (attraction/connection/affection) toward people of a gender different from your own
• homoromantic – experiencing romantic feelings(attraction/connection/affection) toward people of a gender the same as your own
• biromantic – experiencing romantic feelings (attraction/connection/affection) toward people of genders both like and unlike your own
• panromantic – experiencing romantic feelings (attraction/connection/affection) toward people of any gender

So it is possible that someone could be both heteroromantic and asexual, someone else could be biromantic and heterosexual, someone could be bisexual and demisexual and homoromantic, and so on.

Most of us have never thought about these particulars and might not know immediately, but knowing there are more spectrums, axes, and nuance to sexual orientation is a great starting point for understanding and determining or defining what our own is.

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