A Post on Privilege and Coming Out

When an acquaintance admitted to being very mainstream, part of the dominant Christian culture, and concerned about making others uncomfortable with her ignorance, a few of us chimed in to thank her and offer perspective and suggestions. Here are mine.

Some of the issues that are integral to who we are but that we feel we have to hide are sexual orientations, gender queerness, alternative romantic and sexual relationships, religious/spiritual beliefs and lack thereof, social and political beliefs and activism, and even our passionate support of everyone else in these categories.

Lead your questions with "May I ask ... ?" in a gentle tone. It's very respectful, and I, for one, respond very positively to it—eager to inform and comfortable with declining if I don't want to discuss it in that moment. If someone is brave enough to open up to you, understand that they may or may not feel up to giving you the full alt-lifestyle 101 lecture, and that you are not entitled to be educated by them. There are hundreds of blogs and articles and books about it; ask for reading recommendations if you want to learn more.*

We censor ourselves in front of our family, our coworkers, and new people we meet, ever wary of the climate in any group. Some of us have come out to people who we expected to love us unconditionally and received some traumatic fucking backlash because of their selfishness and close-mindedness. And it's scarier still to imagine how acquaintances and strangers might react.

I'm a very privileged, educated, intelligent, middle-class, cis-presenting, hetero-presenting, conventionally attractive, slim, and able-bodied white woman living in a safe neighborhood. What could I possibly have to complain about?

• But I am terrified to talk about my relationships at work or family gatherings. My family doesn't know that I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years; they don't know about him at all. My coworkers know but not why we can't move in together or marry.
  
• I'm afraid in most spaces to share HAES concepts, because dieting is so firmly entrenched in our cultural narrative and I don't like it when people think me daft for espousing such ideas, no matter how much science backs me up. Or worse, many think me ignorant of reality and my own weight discredits me.
  
• I'm warming to the idea of coming out as atheist, at least in friendly spaces where the issue comes up, but I still kept fearfully silent at a Meetup event this week with an enthusiastic believer.

I admire those out there with the bravery to live fully open, and I try to be kind to myself and refrain from berating myself for not doing the same. I've discussed it with my boyfriend, and we're on the same page of not wanting to spark anger, backlash, and disappointment directed at us; we spend enough energy coping with life's difficulties. I choose my battles and closets carefully, and I still spend a large chunk of my time stressed out, anxious, worried, depressed, and sleeping poorly.

I'm not sure I'll ever feel safe enough to come out of all these closets, but I do think someday I will be strong enough.



*She did, and I led off with Skepchick and Queereka because they're very intersectional. Another friend recommended The Friendly Atheist. What resources would you suggest?

On Relationships

The familiar statistics are that fully half of all marriages end in divorce, and closer to 60% in cities, (though it may have stabilized or be in decline with the economic slump—divorce is expensive), and there's no telling how many of that remaining half remain in unhappy marriages for their children or religion or fear or whatever other reasons people are averse to messy legal battles that still carry harsh social stigmas in many areas. And the statistics for cheating are pretty high, too, though certainly under-reported. The outlook for happily ever afters is pretty grim, but there is an alternative to perpetual singledom and almost guaranteed mutual annihilation.

Ethical non-monogamy means stating and honoring relationship agreements about actions and feelings permitted with others outside the relationship. (And being honest with those others about being already in a relationship and being open about those agreements and how they will affect the other relationship.) In short: be open, be honest, and secure the consent of everyone involved.

It may seem an alien concept, but consider the continuum in monogamous and monamorous (married and dating) relationships that permit or prohibit each partner to have close friendships or even casual friendships with people of the opposite sex or with exes; to casually or aggressively flirt; or to kiss or to dance with others. Some have agreements that permit hugging or hand-holding with others. Some have occasional threesomes; they may call themselves monogamous, but I like Dan Savage's word monogamish.

There is no one way to do monogamy or monamory, and the same is true for non-monogamy and polyamory. We each have different relationship wants and needs. Our relationship styles may be said to fall along a continuum rather than being polar opposites.

Neither monogamy nor non-monogamy is THE ONE BEST WAY™ for everyone. THE ONE BEST WAY™ is for everyone in any relationship to think about and discuss their wants, needs, and expectations. Cheating for one person may mean a partner having an intimate email exchange with another or it may be PiV intercourse; it may be flirting or having an affectionate friendship with another. Stating and honoring relationship agreements is necessary for ANY relationship to thrive. Polyamory for some is a no-holds-barred free-for-all, but others may only permit casual secondary relationships or for the couple to date other partners together.

It doesn't come naturally. Communication takes practice. And introspection can be scary. But valuing and practicing the two will make you a better person, and you will have better relationships. I promise.