Friday, July 12, 2013

Texas' new abortion restrictions scare the bejeezus outta me.

Trigger warning for mental illness, attacks on personal autonomy, abortion discussion, and suicidal ideation.
I've read many eloquent articles and blog posts that attempt to explain or analogize for men what being a woman is like, what daily fearing for one's personal safety and the very real threat of rape is like. I hope someday to stumble across an author who can do the same justice for what it feels like to watch our legislators' assaults on our bodily autonomy and to feel the very real fear and anxiety of being denied an abortion should one need it. Does anyone else think about this?
For me, personally, since I'm on the b.c. shot, I shouldn't ever have to think about it. But the fact is that the shot does fail for some women, not through user error, and my line is like cuh-razy fertile. And because the shot completely stops my menstrual cycle (as long as its working), I have no monthly reassurance of a vacant uterus. And because I hear that a woman typically begins showing in about the 5th month, it's entirely conceivable (ha) that I could get knocked up and not know about it until it was far too late to do anything about it under the new laws in Texas. And because of the depression/anxiety that runs in my family and my so far being the only one not yet diagnosed and medicated for it (because it is presently manageable), I absolutely believe I would try to end my life if I found myself in that situation. (To say nothing of the physical toll I know pregnancy takes on my kin.) I can't even lie to myself and hope I would have the strength or presence of mind not to try it. Failing that, I would do horrible things to to try to induce a miscarriage. And then I would really and truly be strapped to a bed in a mental institution and forced to give birth. Straight out of a horror flick. And because of the other medication I'm on for my acne, it would be a hideous diseased creature struggling even to live. And because my family is Catholic and are the kind of people they are, I would be shamed into keeping it and would forever resent it and everyone who loves me for the remainder of my miserable life.

I don't dwell on this stuff, promise. But the crazy hamsters in my head occasionally go in that direction and this is what happens and I needed to get it out. And I've previously spoken to my sister who's agreed that our family is the sort to shame us into keeping an unwanted pregnancy. This fear is all so very real for me and not as irrational/inconceivable as it might seem at first blush.

And now I'm thinking/realizing that possibly this is why I've been struggling to sleep, having nightmares the last several nights, and waking at 3 am for 1-2 hours.

Technically, I'm OK and I know I'm gonna be OK. I'm just scared, y'all.

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