Monday, September 19, 2016

Looks Like I Made It?

Last week was interesting.

Facebook's "On This Day" feature showed me that two years ago I was seven months out of a relationship and still having nightmares about my ex at least weekly. I would continue to have regular nightmares for nearly a year and a half.

And now I'm here and I can hardly believe it. I finally FINALLY feel not broken. I feel whole and secure and free and happy.

One year ago, my depression meds suddenly stopped working, and I delayed speaking to my doctor for a few weeks because I didn't realize at first what the problem was, and then I didn't want it to be true so I waited a few weeks more hoping it would just go away, and then it took more than a week extra to actually see my doctor because he was all booked up.

I wanted to cry all the time for no reason at all. Life was okay; I was just miserable. We doubled my dose of Wellbutrin, and I've been good since then.

I've been aware of how consistently happy and upbeat and productive and active and frequently joyful I am for a couple of months now. That's not to say that I don't ever feel down, but I bounce back very quickly instead of spiraling for days and weeks. I do not recognize this Moniqa, and it's kind of weird.

And as wonderful as life is right now, everyday I'm scared. I'm afraid of the depression coming back, like it's waiting behind a bush somewhere to jump out and hit me over the head. That's the joy of chronic mental health issues: you may find remission but never a cure.

So I plan and go and do ALL the things, which then leaves me likely to burn out. It's hard to find balance, and I don't know right now if I'm doing it right or just waiting for everything to come crashing down.

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